Right vs. Wrong
When I am working with a client, I get my best results when I join them in their reality. I want to understand their thinking strategies so that, together, we can establish new options and strategies that can create more enjoyable and successful outcomes for them.
Understanding their reality is something with which I sometimes have difficulty. This is usually because I have a particular thought in mind; I inadvertently focus on a specific aspect that holds my attention. Filtering what they say through my thoughts limits my ability to be creative.
However, that difficulty is slight in comparison to when talking to a member of my family.
Luckily my wife and daughters are quite happy to ‘call me out’ when my own ‘thinking’ is getting in my way. This, as you might imagine, is something that I can really dislike because, in that moment, I am enjoying being ‘right’ and do not want to be coached. They just love coaching the family coach and find it very amusing (although it does take me some time for me to notice the funny side).
Anyway, one of the first concepts I discuss with my clients (and with anyone who will listen) is that:
‘The meaning of your communication is the result you get’
For instance, if I talk to someone and they do not understand my intended meaning, and become slightly confused, then I am responsible for that confusion. Intent is nothing; meaning is everything: what is important is what it means to them.
Sometimes the words I use may result in misunderstanding; especially if I am unaware of the thoughts through which someone may be ‘filtering’ my words. For instance. If I was feeling nervous I would constantly plan what I might say in response to someone; instead of giving my full attention to what they were saying.
This can create to two very different understandings; which are perfectly valid for each person. However, this might lead to someone saying something like:
“You have to admit that you said it in the wrong way and that is why you confused me.”
With a client I would approach this with nothing specific in mind and identify their meaning. In this case I might ask questions to clarify the following Mete-Model violations:
– ‘modal operator of necessity’: “you have to…”
– ‘presupposition’: there is something to be “admitted”
– ‘presupposition’: something is wrong so there must be a right way of doing it
– ‘cause and effect’: you caused the confusion in me
– ‘presupposition’: other people can confuse me
– ‘presupposition’: my confusion has nothing to do with me
With a client I can establish an appropriate energy level, identify my intention (required outcome) and then detach myself from that outcome. I have a committed to success but I am not attached to how success is created. In this way I can create a deep connection with their emotional centre and enjoy our creative process.
With a family member it is a very different process: There is usually no preparation and there is already a deep connection. However, there are often latent triggers for previous unresolved upsets and annoyances from the past. For instance I may think:
“Oh here we go again! I am either repeating myself or not introducing my subject properly. I just can’t get it right! If she just listened to what I am saying instead of interrupting ALL the time, then she might actually understand, and remember, what I said!!! Rant, rant, pointless rant….”.
This is an example of just how easy it is for my thinking to cause emotions that are REALY unhelpful; although it may seem true, in that moment, it shows me how it is all too easy to become entrenched in being ‘right’.
The difficulty with being ‘right’ is that it contains the presupposition that the other person is ‘wrong’. So if two people both think they are ‘right’ then there is little room for understanding but plenty of room for upset.
The sooner one person lets go of being right, and steps out of the conflict, the sooner the conflict evaporates. If tempers have flared then there will have been changes in body chemistry (adrenaline, cortisol, etc.) and there will be an associated reduction in cognitive ability (emotion makes you stupid) so it will take a minute or so for things to calm down, as the chemicals are re absorbed.
Moving from ‘right’ to ‘love’ just requires clarity of mind. Letting go of any meaning I have created and bringing fond memories to mind allows me to reconnect to the person I love, not their current thinking.
A sudden look of clarity and an expression of love during a heated discussion is a very powerful ‘pattern interrupt’. Try it out. Your starting point will be when you just KNOW that you are right.